everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
