Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it's like iHOP with fire
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
