i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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