Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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