I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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