i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
