When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
