My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
