im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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