dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
