listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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