I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
