i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
