I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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