Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
