One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My vagina just recognized that song.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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