so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
