so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She told me I should be a condom model.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
