How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
