im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
