Will you blow on my dice?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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