After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
