I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
