I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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