I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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