im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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