forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
