tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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