I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
