In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
