Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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