The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
