the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
