I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
