I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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