I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
