I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
