from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
