Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
