at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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