We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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