her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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