you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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