I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
