I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
