Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
