He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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