Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
