just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
