My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
