chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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