Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
